Balancing two and a half jobs, educating myself as much as I can in the meantime, and somehow still managing to spend a night a week with my friends, I am overwhelmed. And I feel like I'm running out of time.
My birthday is coming up, and, as usual, it comes with more fear than excitement. Being confronted with another year that has passed, it’s tempting to let the anxiety of getting older mess with your mind.
I’m not turning old, far from it. If I should believe those that have been on this earth longer than I have, I’ve still got everything ahead of me. If I’m lucky, I haven’t even lived a quarter of my life.
But I’m turning 22, and even though I’m doing everything I ever wanted and more, something is gnawing on me.
Doing the work that I love and want to do, while having the independence I’ve always dreamed of, it seems like I’m walking on sunshine. But with doing things and achieving things, you are handing something over. Nothing but sunshine comes for free in this life.
I wouldn't call myself an artist, but I do know creativity flows when there is that perfect balance of structure and freedom. Right in between having an overfilled life and having too much time on your hands is that sweet spot where your creative juices flow.
And I miss that. Because lately I've been thriving, but I’m tired. But thriving.
It’s going to be my birthday. And maybe it’s for that reason, that it is my birth month, that my libra characteristics are manifesting itself so prominently.
I’ve learnt that, more than anything, life is about finding the right balance. Having lived through depression and mania, I find bliss in the middle. While stability scares me, I need it - even if it’s just to escape it again.
Choosing has never been an easy process for me. I never know whether to follow the heart or the mind, or whether the pros outweigh the cons. It’s the drawback of having a balanced perspective: there is no right or wrong.
And with greater options to choose from than ever, and more opportunities waiting to be grabbed, I’m getting overwhelmed.
I’m used to creating my own chances and opportunities. Privileges I was born with aside, life doesn’t hand out its gems for no reason. I’ve always spent a great deal of time exploring what I want to do, where I want to go and who I want to be with in the most libra-esque of ways.
That involves lists, reflection, gathering different perspectives, and settling on the choice that makes most sense overall.
This time, though, I’m in a devilish dilemma. This time, there truly is no right or wrong. And it’s a luxury problem, that’s for sure, because no matter which path I choose, I will have gained way more than I could have ever even hoped for.
But that doesn’t make the decision easier. It merely takes away a bit of the stress that comes with deciding.
It’s going to be my birthday soon.
And more than anything I could wish for, I want to have time. Time to practice yoga again, to take Sir Godwin for two-hour walks whenever I feel like, and time to brainstorm controversial ideas and dreams.
I want to write out all the blog ideas that I have, because trust me, I have so much more to share than I take the time for. I want to create a dialogue on the things that cross my mind, the things I don’t understand yet, and the things I’m curious about.
I want to spend time talking to people and hearing what makes their clocks tick. I want to put every thought I have into words and see how the world reacts to them. I want to take the time to listen to my friends’ stories and troubles, because I am surrounded by gorgeous people.
I want to take the time to dive deep, both in seas and stories, because getting to the core of things is what keeps me interested.
It’s going to be my birthday soon, and I think I need to make a decision. Because even though I’m girlbossing my way through more jobs than necessary, there’s nothing I need more than time to waste and to reflect.