Disclaimer: the girl boss in question cannot be held liable for any damages arising as a result of the actions suggested hereunder.
I’m writing this ten-step guide as I’m going through the process of getting over someone I never dated myself. After 48 hours of non-stop crying and eating doughnuts for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I think I’m doing a pretty great job.
For starters: it straight up sucks having to get over someone you never even actually dated - whether you labelled it a situationship, decided to stick to friends with benefits from the start, or never even made it to the point where you discussed what you were.
But even in non-relationships, there’s vulnerability. And while I am comfortable writing about personal experiences like mental illness and abortion, it takes me a lot of time and trust to open up to those close to me and trust them with the things I have on my mind.
Once I do, it’s based on full trust. I need to believe you respect me, care about me, and will be honest with me too.
That’s why it hit hard when I got hurt. Not the rejection, or the fact that I also lost a friend, but the fact that my vulnerability and openness were taken for granted. And that maybe, I hadn’t been as understood and cared for as I felt I was.
So when my latest non-committed commitment actually had me break down and cry for two days straight, I figured I would share what I’m going through, so we all have something to refer to the next time shit hits the fan.
1. Remember this was never about you and only about them
Look, they were only remotely interesting because you were shagging them. The mediocre brunette I lost my mind over had the personality of a peanut butter allergy.
And that’s okay.
You accidentally blessed an asshole (gender-neutral) with the glory of spending precious time with you - that’s not your fault. You're just a generous soul.
Maybe they seemed nicer in the beginning, or maybe you had no other choice due to unforeseen circumstances. Either way, this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their inability to see you for what you’re worth.
2. Let your feelings take control
Letting your tears flow has some sort of therapeutic effect, and this is the chance you’ve got to let it all go. Personally, I hadn’t acknowledged my feelings for months until this happened, and it turned out this two-day cry session was exactly what I didn’t know I needed.
Make sure you keep showering and feed yourself somewhat regularly. Making your bed helps, but so does staying in bed all day. Do whatever feels right - just don’t let it get out of hand.
I needed three days to get back to my functional (but still sad) self this time. Sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it takes less. Give yourself the time you need to let it out and make sure you’re entirely empty - after this, there's no more room for crying.
3. Change the narrative
Were you ghosted? Dropped for no solid reason? Did they not want you because you crave toxicity to fill the void that ends where your daddy issues start?
Wrong. We are now gaslighting ourselves into believing it was us who ended it. They could never live up to your skyscraping standards, and you were only doing this for the thrill of it.
If that doesn’t sound right in your situation, just blame it on the patriarchy.
Whatever it is you have to do to change the narrative to your advantage, bestie, remember: you never wanted them in the first place. You've been doing charity work all along.
4. Put the same three songs that summon the girl boss inside of you on repeat
Find the bangers that perfectly encapsulate the feelings you’re going through and blast them through your headphones. My personal recommendations:
I’m Good - Wafia (“Looking back I knew you were no good - I'm by myself and that's better for my health, you know you put me through hell - but whatever, I’m good)
Heartbreak Hotel - Abigail Barlow (“Girl, I don't want a boyfriend, it always ends in disappointment - and I don't got the time to lose, so I'm not gonna cry for you”)
Not That Girl - Girli ("I'm really sorry that I'm not the girl who would give the world just to be your girl - it's kinda funny that you're on your own, it's kinda funny that you're even asking me")
5. Turn your sadness into anger
What do you mean, you’re sad over a characterless jellyfish? You should be mad, girl. You deserve the fucking most, and if anyone in your life isn’t giving you that, they’re toxic. Truly.
Get rid of that negative energy before it drains the life out of you. When they said you deserve better, they didn’t just mean better than this. You deserve better than anyone else, ever, because you’re a fucking girl boss.
6. Plot violent revenge
Some say moving on is the best revenge, but sweet old violence is second-best. Attack the things they care about the most; be it their ego, their stuff, or their loved ones.
The pettier, the better.
The ego is easy. If you know their insecurities, that’s the way to go. Alternatively, slash their car’s tires. Fuck their brother or mum. Blackmail their best friend. There are no limits on petty revenge - this is, after all, justifiable self-defence.
7. Use that rage to deep clean your entire house
Preferably at 2 am and after a day of crying in bed. Ride that wave of manic energy - you don’t need sleep - and use this opportunity to give your place the rinse that it’s been desperately needing for months.
Get rid of stuff you don’t need, throw out anything that reminds you of them, and take out the trash. Literally.
8. Masturbate (a lot)
Do yourself a favour. Get your favourite toy out of the dusty closet and have a great time with yourself. You were only putting up with the semi-satisfying sex because of their personality, and it turns out their personality was garbage. Time to move on and do it yourself, girl boss.
9. Chop off your hair
There's nothing as refreshing as an impulsive and radical haircut. Grab your sharpest scissors and discover the talent you never knew you had: hairdressing. Chop off those locks and let go of the literal weight on your shoulders.
Brownie points if you dye your hair, too. Extra brownie point if there is bleach involved at any point.
10. Move countries
If none of that worked, move countries immediately. I do it all the time, and it has never really failed me. (This time I’m moving to Brussels.)
If you still end up having a depressive episode, at least you’re depressed abroad. If you don’t, I promise, you’re about to have the best fucking time of your life.
Leave the trash where it belongs (in Malta).
You are right where you belong. Shit happens, love is real. Everything will be okay.
Life’s a movie. You’re a great director. Just make sure it’ll be worth the watch.
For the girls, the gays and the theys: men ain’t shit. Doja Cat said it, so you know it’s true. You deserve better (I’m single btw).